June 20th is a celebration of Father’s Day in the US and as I was deciding what to write this week, an old article I wrote in 2014 for the Huffington Post popped up.
The gist of the article was: how do you celebrate this day when your memories are mixed? My father was a good provider, loyal to my mother and a successful self-made businessman. Yet, like Zeus (father of the gods) he had a dual nature, protective and generous and intimidation and harshness. He lashed out verbally at his children whenever he was frustrated and never really showed up for us emotionally.
Although at times I wish he could have been different, I am hopefully smart enough (and have had enough therapy and spiritual teachers) to know that he did the best he could with the resources he had. My brother Mark, on the other hand, models the new masculine and has taken on the role of nurturer and teacher to his daughter Shayla.
He has very few "have tos" and has plenty of "want tos." Shayla has grown up with a new model of a father: Someone who simply does what needs to be done without worrying about gender roles. And I am happy to say, she just graduated with honors from HS and will be coming to The New School in NYC in the Fall.
Here is a ritual that my brother and I did after my father passed to bring some healing into our lives.
Shortly after my Dad passed, I went into the woods with my brother to do a letting go ritual. I wanted to "bury the hatchet" between us and for some bizarre reason my brother actually had my father's hatchet. (Why a man from Great Neck and South Florida had a hatchet is beyond my understanding). So, I physically buried it. My brother had a different issue. He no longer wanted to "walk in my father's footsteps" so he buried one of my father's shoes. I can't tell you how liberating that ritual was for both of us.
This Sunday l personally will be lighting a candle for my father -- letting myself feel the sadness of his passing. And I always like to eat one of his favorite foods. This year it may be Ya-ka Mein soup or a piece of halvah. I plan on writing down a list of what I learned from him and what qualities I want to claim as my own. After all, it is my inheritance.
Whatever you decide to do for this holiday, enjoy the celebration. As my brother Mark, a father of three, so wisely said to me, "The best present for me is always feeling loved and included and appreciated. Gifts are quite secondary."
Happy Father’s Day to all who take on this role.
We celebrate the men in our lives,
those who raised us,
those who love us,
those that we are raising.
We also celebrate the womxn who may be male presenting, gender non-conforming, and have taken on the traditional masculine roles of fathers.
Until next time,
Barbara