Recently, I was leading a leadership ritual for an offsite hosted by Coach People, when I shared these beautiful words from the late Irish poet John O’Donohue:
“May you have good friends to mirror your blind spots. May leadership be for you a true adventure of growth”
The words stayed with me long after the workshop ended.
I realized that true leadership isn’t reserved for CEOs, teachers, or people with impressive titles Leadership begins with the willingness to know ourselves—to become aware of the places where we are still growing.
A few days later, I was given one of those mirrors.
A friend had been telling me she was feeling lonely and disconnected, so when I learned about a small gathering, I immediately thought of her and invited her to join us. I wanted her to feel included and welcomed.
At the last minute, she let me know she had decided to do something else.
I was surprisingly disappointed.
I found myself thinking, after I went out of my way to include her…
When I shared the story with my dear friend Joani, she gently reflected something I couldn’t see on my own.
She said, “Barbara, this is a pattern.”
She was right.
Sometimes my generous heart moves into over-giving. I anticipate what someone else needs before they’ve asked. I step in, I offer, I try to make things better. Then, when my generosity isn’t received the way I imagined, disappointment follows.
The invitation wasn’t really the issue. The mirror was.
What Joani helped me see is that over-giving can quietly become attached to expectations. Not because we’re trying to manipulate anyone, but because we’ve created a story about how someone will respond.
When reality doesn’t match that story, we suffer.
That doesn’t mean we stop being generous. It means our generosity becomes freer.
We give because it is a true expression of who we are—not because we need a particular response in return.
That is leadership.
Leadership asks us to look inward before we look outward. It asks us to become curious instead of defensive. It asks us to grow.
After more than forty years of guiding rituals and helping people through life’s transitions, I still need good friends who lovingly hold up the mirror. In fact, I need them more than ever.
None of us can see ourselves completely. And perhaps that’s one of life’s greatest blessings.
A Mirror Ritual
Light a candle and take three slow breaths.
Place your hand over your heart and ask:
✦ Where am I over giving instead of simply giving?
✦ What expectation have I attached to my generosity?
✦ What blind spot is ready to be seen with love?
Sit quietly and simply listen.
Close by saying:
“I welcome the mirrors that help me grow. I release the need to earn love through over giving. I choose generosity with healthy boundaries, an open heart, and a willingness to keep growing.”
Take a moment to write down one insight before returning to your day.
With love,
Barbara